Obeardtuary: So Long, You Damn Dirty Apes

Charlton Heston 1924 - 2008
“Political correctness is tyranny with a happy face.” - Charlton Heston

One of the toughest sonsofbitches to ever grace the silver screen. Let's hope Mr. Heston is taking the good fight to whatever lies on the other side.

Totally Savage Thursday: Steve McQueen, Mountain Man

I recently set out to compile a list of the baddest dudes to ever grace the silver screen. This collection of manhood was to showcase the toughest, the meanest, and the coolest hombres this side of the iron curtain. I had initiated this investigation with the hopes that I might be able to put a small twist to things by setting a stipulation that would require all these roughnecks to have walked our tiny planet, forging lives of legend, yet possessing no beards. After all, Weak Beard Wednesdays typically run a little thin.

Slowly, the names began to come to mind. Unfortunately, my list ended up being less than a few scribbles deep before revealing that, to be a true man, one must have grown his beard long at least once in his lifetime. One such symbol of masculinity that had initially crossed my mind was the late great Steve McQueen. I was most familiar with his work in Bullitt and The Great Escape, two of the toughest movies ever made, yet both featured a very shorn McQueen. However, almost as quickly as my quest began, I discovered the existence of a lesser known gem called "An Enemy of The People". Based on a play written by Norwegian Henrik Ibsen, An Enemy of the People tells the story of a naive and honest doctor's fight to save the people of the small town he lives in from slow death caused by a polluted water system which is also poisoning the town's lucrative tourist springs. He must battle the money minded people who run the town, as they attempt to silence his voice.


As you can see in the striking Japanese promotional poster, Steve reached deep down and allowed his inner manimal to arise and feast.

The Bearded Man Font: When Simple Words Just Don't Suffice

Special thanks to Jimmy for the hairy tip

Apparently there's a mad genius living in the foothills of Eastern Europe somewhere, shacked up in a nuclear fallout shelter, spending his time crafting the only thing that will matter when it all goes down; a type face font comprised of the hairy heads of bearded men.


Unfortunately this font doesn't currently work in your favorite word processing application, but for the patience-endowed tinkerer, a little careful work and a lot of code pasting can land you access to the same alphabet the Vikings used before Runes came into fashion

Top-Half Tuesday: METALGEARSTACHE.COM

That Hideo Kojima, I always pegged him as a mustache man.

It's old news to those in-the-know (see ancient), but the upcoming Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of The Patriots for the PS3 features protagonist Snake with an amazing, silver flavor saver, joining the ultra elite ranks of mustachioed gaming characters such as The Super Mario Bros. and Mega Man's nemesis Dr. Wily.

This revelation was originally met with a lot of mixed emotions from the fandom, but over time a warming occurred, resulting in metalgearstache.com, a communal mecca for gamers looking to let it grow and and allow their appreciation to show. Not only can you showcase your budding handlebar, but metalgearstache also gives fuzz-lipped gamers the outlet to share their fan art, game collections, and other related interests.

Let's hope this carries the hairy torch into the next generation of gaming, bringing upon an era of man-tastic games.

The Black Keys: Strange Times

It's a proven scientific fact that a big honkin' beard is the preferred option for the discerning bloke who's looking to cover his hide against life's many calamities. The Black Key's Singer/Guitarist Dan Auerbach is one such individual who's hip to this truth. In fact, Dan has taken it one step further by growing a hair shield so full and long that it not only protects him from the obvious, would-be assailants, but also acts as a general barrier against peculiar anomalies in the space time continuum.

Acron Duo The Black Keys have recently joined forces once again to document the power of Dan's chin rug in musical form with the release of their new hit single Strange Times from the album Attack and Release. An ass-wigglin', boot stompin' collection of jams that warn you of the perils involved in interplanetary travel, safeguarding you from such dangers as maniacal space vixens (track 4, Psychotic Girl), implanted explosive devises (track 2, I Got Mine), and indestructible robot men from the future (track 9, So He Won't Break).

Take a step further into the technological marvels of tomorrow and visit www.theblackkeys.com to fight off hordes of laser pistol-wielding sociopaths as they attempt to thwart you from your task of getting down.

Movie Star Monday: Alan Rickman

Despite staring alongside Bruce Willis in the original Die Hard as the amazingly villainous (and bearded) "Hans Gruber", I find that I can do without the acting "talents" of Alan Rickman. I'm not sure if it's a reaction to the smarmy roles he often plays, or the slightly unnatural tone to his voice, but since I first saw his portrayal as the Sheriff of Nottingham in the abysmal Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves I've had a foul taste for this man's work. Personal hangups aside, Mr. Rickman has, on more than one occasion, possessed a finely groomed beard worthy of any distinguished gentleman. As seen in the pictures below, the key to being a truly classy bad guy is all in the sculpting of one's cheek line.

Beards on the B-Ball Court

Everyone knows that Slamm Dunk AKA Marcus Modugeray is normally a clean-shaven crime stopper. However, for a brief five-issue stint, he lost his job as a champion of justice and moved on to a lucrative professional basketball career. Of course, he also did what any out of work man would do: he grew a beard!

Ethan Thomas: Alcoholic, Murderer, Beard Enthusiast

It may be Weak Beard Wednesday at the BBB, but try telling that to Ethan Thomas, scruffy star of Monolith Studio's insanely amazing Condemned series, which just branched out to a second platform (PS3, 360) with the recent release of the sequel, Condemned 2: Bloodshot.

We could spend post after post talking about how Bloodshot just might be the best survival horror game ever, but we'd rather wax erotic over its revolutionary "beard mapping," which probably uses up an entire processor on both consoles.


Just look at that beaut. Nothing says "pale, white, over-the-edge, borderline lunatic" like a well-placed and slightly unkempt wildman's delight. Do yourself a favor and pick up the game to experience its divinely hairy excellence for yourself.

Top-Half Tuesday: A Real Life Luigi

Moustache, originally uploaded by guzi4real.

While I'm fairly certain Luigi Mario of the famous Super Mario Bros. doesn't hail from the Grecian Isles, it's tough to deny that this green-garbed doppleganger bares more than a small resemblance to the under appreciated plumbing prince.

Top-Half Tuesday: Rod Koontz

In an attempt to further blur the lines between The Burly Beard Brigade being a blog devoted to facial hair appreciation and its transformation into something far more erotic, I present to you Rod Koontz, mustachioed man-beast and world famous body builder from the golden age of steroids heavy lifting.

Is it just me or does Mr. Koontz appear to be focusing on his mustache in order to gain that extra boost needed to finish out that final rep?

Demi Roussos: The Man The Myth The Legend

Words cannot describe, with any real justice, the magic and wonder that this gentle, bearded voice possesses.

Castle Crashing The Beard

When we're not cultivating the finest beards to ever grace the interwebs, we, your Bearded Barons, enjoy partaking in a lengthy session of TV Game entertainment. One such title that's sitting high atop our must have list is the upcoming release of Dan Paladin's Castle Crashers. A fantasy themed homage to the button mashing brawlers of days-gone-by, the beat-em-up places you in control of a primary colored templar knight, hacking and slashing your way through all manner of vile villainy.

One of the lead programmers for the XBLA title (and creator of newgrounds.com), Tom Fulp, has taken a bearded oath not to shave his face until the release of Castle Crashers (tentatively slated for a Summer release). While we would personally like to see this exercise in masculinity span a greater duration, we commend Tom on his bravery and welcome him, even as a temporary member, to The Burly Beard Brigade.

In honor of his ever increasing growth, Tom has put together a rather enjoyable flash game featuring the characters from Castle Crashers in an epic boss battle that pits our pint-sized paladins against the likes of Tom and his powerful beard. Smash your way through Tom's woolly mane as you level up your knights, spanning through all the various colors and use your gnarly weapons and magical blasts as you separate Tom from his man rug.

PLAY THE GAME HERE!!! (link updated with new, bug-free version)

Face Off: Gandhi vs. Einstein

I must be hungover from Top-Half Tuesday because I've totally got Mustache on the brain. The only cure I know for a case of the favor-saver-blues is an old fashioned face off between two upper-lip gladiators. While both of our competitors are well known pacifist, nothing changes a man quicker than when the integrity of his face rug is in question.

Top-Half Tuesday: Spinal Tap's Derek Smalls

Derek Smalls, the finest bass player in a fictional band ever.

Whether smuggling foil wrapped produce through airport security inside his knickers, offering up mustache rides to nubile young groupies, or laying down the bottom end of an epic jam of free-form jazz, Derek Smalls always brings it, and he brings it, whatever "it" may be, at a tepid, luke warm temperature.

Top-Half Tuesday: Badge of Honor

At the virtual flea market ETSY, you can satiate all of your homemade arts and crafts needs. Today's Top-Half Tuesday offers a little something for those who might want to show their love for the flavor saver without actually committing to the growth process. As seen in these pictures, ETSY artist "Girlontherocks" has put together a collection of buttons, ink stamps, tags and various other mustache related brick-a-brack to satisfy the mustache enthusiast. Her collection has something for whisker lovers of all colors and creeds, ranging from a collection of Easter themed 'staches with pastel backgrounds to a rather kitsch set of dictator themed lip warmers.

A personal favorite of mine is most certainly the monster mustache three-pack featuring the vampire, zombie and Frankenstein push brooms. (There's even bottle opener keychains for those who needs some assistance getting their drink on)

Top-Half Tuesday: John Oates

Considered by many to be the finest background vocalist in pop music, John Oates spent much of his musical career banging out hit after hit alongside his collaborator Daryl Hall as one half of the dynamic duo of Hall & Oates. Remembered as much for that phenomenal flavor saver as he was for his contribution to some of the catchiest songs to ever grace the air waves, Mr. Oates has since retired the mustache that made him famous, but we here at the Triple B honor the memory of the fallen with a tribute to a mustache that was as excessive as the decade that spawned it.

Movie Star Monday: The Iron Men of Iron Man

Feel free to turn your speakers to 11 and play this while perusing the following entry.


It would be a gross understatement to say that the Burly Beard Brigade is getting excited for the upcoming release of IRON MAN. Following suit to the teachings of both Tony Stark and his real life counterpart, Mr. Robert Downey Jr., we've already begun swilling gallons of scotch and countless martinis in order to properly hone our smug air and belligerent demeanor, endowing us with the liquid courage needed to cope with a billionaire playboy's life of rocket-powered boots and palm-placed plasma cannons. We've even pondered, in our drunken haze, the possibilities of streamlining our beards into a stylish mustache as an homage to the Tony Stark of days-gone-by.

Fire water binges aside, we'd like to take a moment and salute the otherwise stuffy Hollywood executives who had the tenacity to throw a whisker or two onto the faces of every leading man in Iron Man. Take a look and gasp in amazement at the wonder of Terence Howard's pencil-thin mustache! Stare in envy at the silvery, distinguished tufts found upon the face of Jeff Bridges! And feel your heart swell with adoration at the very sight of Robert Downey Jr.'s Van Dyk/Goatee-thingy! Hell, if you look close enough you might even catch a glimpse of the peach fuzz located just above the upper lip of Ms. Gweneth Paltrow!

Totally Savage Thursday: Kimbo Slice part 2

While we're on the subject of the human wrecking ball, I felt I couldn't help but share this rather hilarious clip of Slice on The Jimmy Kimmel show. It's a damn good thing that Kimbo's got a sense of humor because he would've smashed that butterball like so much mashed potatoes.

Totally Savage Thursday: Kimbo Slice

Kimbo Slice is a manimal. More appropriately, he's a 6 foot 2 inch, 230 lb. chocolate covered nightmare. His only goal, to break you.

Specializing in a gnarly mix of MMA and old fashioned street fighting, Slice made his way up from a high school football star to be one of the most feared men in professional combat (taking a small detour between to work as a bodyguard for a porno studio). Before taking his fists professional, Slice made a name for himself by roaming from neighborhood to neighborhood across the Miami Florida area challenging the toughest guys like some sort of wild west gunslinger. Kimbo's most recent fight found him pitted against the world renowned Tank Abbot (another bearded barbarian), whom he defeated by a KO in :43 seconds into the first round.

He's fathered three daughters and three sons, one of which is named Kevlar. Remind me if Mrs. Fincher somehow talks me into child rearing to be sure to name the little bundle of joy Grenade Launcher Fincher.

Weak Beard Wednesday: My Favorite Foodie

Being a domesticated American male I often find myself planted firmly on the couch, taking in the colorful visions emanating from our aging television set. Despite the fact that said boob tube is past it's prime, it still has the ability to produce a "high definition" signal, resulting in countless hours of better-than-average looking entertainment. As the wife and I stare blankly off into the soulless, glowing, cathode tubes of our digital overlord, we surf from channel to channel in search of that quick fix. One such stop we often frequent in our quest for the American dream is the culinary coup de grace that is The Food Network (HD).

With a picture so clear you can practically smell the delights contained therein, Food Network, more often than not, is the first and last stop on our daily TV regiment. We've come to know and love the various personalities as they navigate their chosen kitchen-like sets, whipping up all manner of nourishment and slathering on heaping helpings of charm.

The reining king of the kitchen, for me at least, is without a doubt the brilliant Alton Brown. As his highness holds court, he often trades his crown and scepter for intelligence and insight, giving the average foodie a greater look into the history and inner workings of their favorite feasts.

Recently Mr. Brown hit us with a double whammy as he lent his talents to a commercial for the Share Our Strength organization, while on display with a rather scruffy looking beard.

Since I wasn't able to find a grab from the actual commercial, I've instead opted to give you a glimpse at a more Road Warrior version of our favorite Mad Chef, as he stoically poses for a promotional shot on his road show Feasting on Asphalt.

Fake Beard Friday: Hey! You've Got Some Food In Your Beard

Photographic visionary Takao Sakai is a man who has comprised a body of work exploring food as art. When perusing his site, I was immediately whisked away to a land where the Adzuki bean was king. I found myself salivating at the prospects of excavating a world full of giant sausage-patty filled pancake sandwich pyramids only to end up floating in an underground grotto of black bean-based Batman masks, and rounded, ruby-hued Darumas.

While the various pieces in Sakai's gallery are comprised of bizarre pop culture references and food inspired approaches to classic Japanese art, there were two pieces in particular that appealed to the bearded sensibilities of the triple B.

Fake Beard Friday: Eastern Flamboyance

Fake beard!, originally uploaded by sinsiwinsi.

This rather decorated individual seems well aware that a beard makes everything better.

Top-Half Tuesday: No Country For Awesome Mustaches

Seeing how badass Mr. Brolin looks sporting that man-stripe across his upper lip is almost enough to make me want to shed this excess facial fur and don a cowboy shirt. Almost.

No Country For Old men, a film that I managed to miss in the theaters despite it's critical acclaim, will be coming out on DVD on March 11th. I can assure you, if I would have known there was this sort of hairy machismo I'd have been the first in line.

Top-Half Tuesday: Mustachioed Maine Coon

I might bring all the fury of a thousand PETA's on my head for saying this, but I really want to slather a heaping helping of Colonel Conk's finest wax into this feline flavor saver and work a nice curl into it while this rather villainous looking domestic longhair sits perched upon my lap, plotting and scheming the demise of the rodent race.

Fake Beard Friday: Just Like Grandma Used To Make

This wide-eyed, young innocent appears quite pleased with his technicolored dream beard as he stands, posing for the photograph. If I didn't know better, I'd say he was a prime candidate for Totally Savage Thursdays, with the disheveled hair and startling gaze.

Fake Beard Friday: Lucious Locks & Lady Lumps

"So.. What's Fake? The Boobs Or The Beard?", originally uploaded by skpyogi.

Hairy Valentines For The Hair-Impaired

As much as I love to properly categorize, this simply couldn't wait for Fake Beard Friday as it is most certainly Holiday appropriate.

Touted as the "UK's Most Helpful Wig Experts", Valentine Wigs offers all manner of hairy apparati, but of course the most important of their bristly exports must certainly be their wide assortment of beards and mustaches.

Willing to secure for you everything from the rather dashing goatee to a striking handlebar mustache, Valentine has just the thing for the sweetheart longing for the fuzzy sensation that only a good "Military Mustache" can bring.





Valentine Wigs

Totally Savage Thursday: I Love You Hairy Much

Found this funky little greeting card over at Etsy (the web equivalent of a graphic design flea market) whilst hunting for hairy holiday cheer. From the description on the site, the creator actually had the good/bad taste to insert "I LOVE YOU HAIRY MUCH" into an already quirky presentation. Kudos on your pun-tastic fearlessness!

Totally Savage Thursday: A Boy And His Valentine

Few things can truly compare to the love felt between a bearded-boy and his dog, especially when said beard is totally savage; blurring the lines between boy and dog even further.

Top-Half Tuesday: Dethklok's William Murderface

It dawned on me that the recent inclusion of two fictitious characters as entries into Top-Half Tuesday may be a tell-tale sign that I'm longing for Fake Beard Friday, and in turn, the conclusion of the work week. Since I have yet to master the power of time manipulation, nor is there any chance of me sneaking, unnoticed, into the company cryogenic freeze capsule for the next two and a half days, I've decided to soldier on with the presentation of yet another colorful culprit.


Adult Swim's hit series Metalocalypse is a Spinal Tap inspired glimpse into the hilarious inner workings of heavy metal act, Deathklok. Touted as the biggest band in the world, the quintet often find themselves from week to week in one ridiculous scenario after another.

A personal favorite of mine has to be the character of William Murderface. Full of equal amounts piss, vinegar, and alcohol, this unstable, anti-social, bass-playing lunatic is usually the butt of many a joke amongst the band.